My Wife Cheated- Endings and Beginnings

written Dec. 29, 2008

My life ended in a sense on Christmas night. I'm 41 years old, and have been in what I always thought was a very healthy marriage for 8+ years. We have three great kids. We've always been willing and able to talk to each other. We had it all together. I knew that my wife had been in contact with a male friend from high school. I knew that he and his wife were dealing with difficulties, and I knew that my wife was just giving him someone to talk to. I also knew that she had become an issue in their relationship, and had advised her to step back and remove herself. I wasn't comfortable with my wife being "the other woman" in his wife's eyes, but never even considered that there was anything more for me to worry about than her becoming a wedge in someone else’s marriage.

At 11pm Christmas night, that all changed. My wife confessed that a recent weekend spent with a girl friend to do some Christmas shopping was, in fact, a weekend with him, and that the weekend had involved far more than shopping and catching up with an old friend. My wife, the one thing in my world I KNEW would always be there for me, had given herself to another man. She had cheated on me.

I always thought I knew how I would react to this. I always knew I would be overcome by anger and hurt. I always knew that there could be no return if this ever happened. She knew this too. We had talked about it. We had discussed it as we watched couples we knew go through the devastation of infidelity. She KNEW I would leave her... and she did it anyway. I should be screaming. I should be throwing her stuff out the window. I should be done. The fact was I was numb. I wasn't yelling. I wasn't throwing things. I wasn't even sure where I was. This was another planet, and I didn't even know how I had gotten here. The only thing I knew was that I couldn't be here. I had to go... somewhere, anywhere but here.

I jumped in my truck and left. I needed to talk. I needed to drink. I needed something, but it was almost midnight on Christmas night. The bars were all closed, and as I struggled to think of someone I could go talk to, I realized I didn't have any friends like that anymore. The only person in my life I could talk to at midnight was my wife. It was dark and cold, and deep down I had a very real fear that if I remained out in this new unfamiliar world alone, I might very well not survive the night. What would happen to my kids?

It was the first time I'd considered them. What would happen to our three little girls? They needed me. How could I be the dad they needed me to be if I didn't go back? What would happen to them if I sent their mom away? I'd heard over and over that it is a mistake to keep a marriage going for the sake of the kids, but my kids are the reason I went home, and my kids are the reason I didn't send my wife packing when I got there. I bought a bottle of wine, and a pack of cigarettes (after celebrating one year smoke free in November), and I went home. We didn't say much to each other. I just sat and drank while she cried. She asked if she should sleep on the couch. I said no, because I didn't want the kids to wonder why she was there in the morning. I fell asleep starring at the ceiling while she cried. I was still numb.

The next day I left again. I had errands to run. I drove almost without thinking to the home of a friend from church. He had been here. His wife had put him on this same uncharted planet a couple years before. At the time, I couldn't believe he was keeping her. How could he possibly think there was any way to get past the impact of a cheating wife? How could he think he could ever forgive her? How did he think he could ever even begin to trust her again? I never asked him any of those questions. I had watched from a distance as he did the unthinkable. He had suffered the pain, and had found a way to rebuild his marriage. I needed to talk to him more than I needed to breathe. When I pulled up, he was home, but he was heading out with his kids. What was I going to do? I almost kept driving. I almost gave up right then and there, but I didn't. I stopped and told him I needed to talk. He asked if he could have twenty minutes to feed his kids. Twenty minutes seemed like more time than I had, but I said yes.

This friend (I'll call him Mark to protect his privacy) was waiting for me when I pulled up twenty minutes later. Mark and I drove and talked. I told him all the questions I'd never asked as he suffered the insufferable those years before, and told him that today I had to know the answers. I had to know how he was able to do what he had done. I needed a map out of this place I had found myself in. It's not for me to tell you what he shared with me that day. I will tell you that what he told me is the reason I am here four days later, believing that I can survive this, and that my wife and I can rebuild what we once had.

Before I went to Mark's house, I did a web search for "when she cheats", the results were not helpful. I'm hoping that this blog might be helpful to someone who finds themselves in this strange place, and that it might provide a map home for another couple. Anne (not my wife's real name) and I are only four days from impact, but we are talking, and we are seeing a way to move forward. It is going to be a long hard road. There will be good days and bad. I'm going to share our story in hopes than it will help us for me to share it, and in hopes that it might help someone else. I will try to post each day. If you are reading this, keep us in your prayers. If you need our prayers, please let me know. If our story helps in any way, let me know that too.

Best wishes,
Don