Scary

I said in my very first post that when I searched the internet for help that first day after Christmas, I found nothing helpful. I have since learned that there are some good places to find help and support on the web. I learned Thursday that my page had been linked to by the reader of two forums focused on relationships. Ask Dan and Jennifer.com has a great deal of useful information and tips for anyone who is in a relationship and would like to make it stronger, or better. The forums seem to be dominated a bit by young, unmarried people, but there is a lot of good stuff here. Talk About Marriage is my new favorite forum. If I had found this site that first morning I might not have started this blog. I've only had a couple days to browse, but I found this community to be filled with good people who are genuinely interested in helping each other. Some of the stories here give me great hope. Some have provided warnings that I hope can help Anne and I avoid similar traps that might lie in wait for us.

One such story, involved a couple who, seven years after reconciliation, found themselves in real trouble. Her "other man" had developed a life threatening health condition. She didn't want to be with him, but she wanted to know he was ok. She initiated contact, and her husband found out. For Anne and me, her promise to break contact with Dick was the first step in rebuilding our relationship. Breaking that promise would rip the foundation from under everything we've built. It would, in short, be a deal breaker. It was for this woman's husband as well. Reading this story scared me. I shared it with Anne, and it scared her too. The fears this stirred in up would distract us the rest of the day, and most of Friday as well.

When I put myself in this story, I feel her husband's pain. My heart wants Anne to stop caring whether Dick lives or dies. That sounds harsh, but it's what I feel. It may be what I always feel. I need for her to understand that is what I feel. My head, when allowed to join the discussion, knows that this is unrealistic, and at least a little unfair. If I learned that Anne had gone behind my back, and broken that first, foundational promise, I don't know that my head would be able to overrule my heart. I found myself becoming more and more distracted by a question I was terrified to ask. What would Anne do in this situation? I was terrified to ask because I was afraid of the answer I might get. I held it in all day Thursday, and all day on Friday. I tried to get it out of my mind. I focused on other things, but it never left. When Anne came home Friday night, I knew it had to be discussed. My heart was racing with apprehension when I asked Anne to come over so we could talk. As I told her about the worry this story had caused me, she confessed that it had been on her mind too. I explained what my heart told me, and what my head knew. I asked the question. "What would you do in this situation?" She said that her first instinct would be to make contact without telling me. My heart sank. She pulled away from me and went to sit at her desk. She was sure that I wouldn't be able to understand, and that the only way to deal with the situation would be to do what she needed to do while hoping I wouldn't find out about it.

I forced myself to cross a room that had become impossibly wide. I knelt at her feet and looked into her eyes. I reminded her that this is what had gotten us into this situation. We had to learn to trust each other. We had to be able to take any question to the other KNOWING that we could deal with it together. As we talked, tears began to flow down her cheeks. We talked about the old "us". All the mistakes that we had made and all the things we were working so hard to change. We promised that we would trust each other. We promised not to do anything behind the other's back. We promised not to let the fear that had slowly formed a wall between us before to ever do the same again.

I have to believe that if we ever find ourselves in a story like the one we had read, Anne will have the courage and trust she needs to come to me and tell me what she needs. I have to trust that I will love her enough to find a way to give her what she needs in a way I can handle. I have to believe, that no matter what comes, we can deal with it together.

Thursday, I also read a very encouraging story about a couple married 50+ years. They had made it through all the trials Anne and I were dealing with and more. Their secret? ...They made their marriage a contest. Each working to outdo the other in making each other happy. This is the key. We must put our spouse's needs ahead of our own, and trust them to do the same. If we can do this, we can make it through any trial…together. I love you Anne. I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life loving you. Together we can do anything.